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[01 Apr 2013|09:49pm]
And it does.

It hurts to breath.
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[01 Apr 2013|09:25pm]
I know I'm alive for my blood beats in my ears
And I can feel the flow and stop in my heart

Am I alone?

Abandoned?

Cursed and laid waste in the sea of tragedy
Tears- drowned- lost

My ears hums and buzz and squeal
Breaks to wheels on stiff iron railings
Sparks and cracks and cuts and blood
Nose to sky

Darkened and twinkling
Mocking Pride

Streams to cheeks and lips to skin
Fingers on bone and flesh gripped, bruised -
Akin

Lost
Token
Destroyed
Forgotten

Played
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[01 Apr 2013|09:09pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Thinking too hard on the past
Something in my chest just cracked
I miss them - I miss him
From afar it all seems well
A life apart from me - a shell
Torn away and home again
Chipped crumpled bled - I'm scorn

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And I find myself here again. [06 Mar 2013|08:31pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Hi y'all-

So, kinda got back into the writing sphere about a month ago.

I decided to take the same story but change the perspective from third to first. It is easier to connect and write the female characters story-lines this way but I also have to dig deep and find the monster within the man for most of my male characters.

It was working- and then full stop not. So here I find myself to get into the "write about me" then "write about them".

The story works on a cyclical year with seasons and regional changes. I am finding the summer all encompassing and exhausting to write in a fabulous way. I have a lot of monsters in my cast but that is ok. I like my monsters. They are apart of me... apparently.

I have asked quite a lot of people to read a few floater chapters. I think I need to stop that. I think the validation from people enjoying the work was deterring me from doing the hard work and getting the f-ing thing done. So - I will simply write and when it is completed-ish I will ask someone to sit down and go through the whole thing... ??... it's a plan, i guess.

Had a good day- not always having good days- but the last few have been ok. No tv - it's a great new world and we are able to go outside!! amazing. I cannot wait for the park and I cannot wait to visit Ness in Kemptville once we can walk outside here and go there for a full Sat or something. I am excited to go to PEI and I am excited to go to the cottage. I want to swim and I want to bbq and have people over.

I definitely got a twenty minute walk in today- ALONE, and so I was able to zone in on my inner self- be it for good or bad- but I was able to just think and just breath.

Thinking about driving - a lot - not any where closer to getting this done
and love that my itunes reflects my 18 year old self and I still love it.

Tired.

and in a Potter-hole literate-ly but it is cozy in here. I think I might just enjoy it a tad longer.

I might need a couple of these entries to get back to my former glory.

Peace.

Arc

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this old house [22 Nov 2012|10:43pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I hate this house.

I hate most houses when I am alone in them for extended periods of time, but this one now takes the cake (not really since my parents' house will forever be the winner on this creep out factor).

But just now, a huge pop exploded above my head making me jump three feet high at the dinning room table and distracted me from the lovely deviousness of the RL/SB/HG HP fanfic and I figured it must be the balloons from bebe2 festive luncheon. They have been moved to Bebe's room and so I searched the house looking for the cause of this horrifying pop and discovered that all the balloons are intact and no child was awake nor disturbed by the scary noise. Nor was the GD cat. Nobody heard it but me.

And this house now has entirely too many mirrors. I hate mirrors, and reflective surfaces that attempt to show me what is behind me. I often cover them and screw my eyes shut and pretend I am not as sensitive as I obviously am.

"POP".

Arc

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back on the horse? [20 Nov 2012|08:14pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I really wanted a coke.
I didn’t opt for one- since it is late at night and I have an immovable schedule that begins at 7am. My ears are primed to the two sleeping babies upstairs. Neither in a deep slumber nor in the best of moods.
I had a Starbucks drink today. It was fully caffeinated and it was delicious. It was soy based and it took me until the mid afternoon to finish it. I had it with my breakfast, second breakfast and with some carrots.
I went for a walk around before it got too dark.
It was chilly but my breath remained invisible. The breeze swept my face but my fingers were hot in my black and white checkerboard mitts.
It was relaxing. It was solitary. I had a sleeping angel strapped to my front and I had to collect the little boy from daycare.
It was a segway from my day to our routine. Even though my day belongs to somebody else.
This is said in fact not coloured in any tone. At least I haven’t applied one, feel free to.
I like the British spelling of words. Adding extra “u”s and correct “z”s makes the words roll with a sophistication. I makes me feel rooted in the collective human history of language.
I hate twelve specific rectangles and eight yellow star shaped post-it notes. They are immovable and insurmountable.
Hate is a strong word by they feel like a Great Wall and I am no Hun. I cannot climb their edges and triumph.
I wish I were nicer.
I wish I would listen when listening is what is required. I wish I did not possess the knowledge that I have the right to speak and therefore feel I always should- or have to. I wish I were more reflective.
My back hurts.
I grabbed a can of club soda and am enjoying it with the delightful vigour of someone whose forgotten what pop tastes like or that they are allowed to have a beer or a glass of wine; both of which are in the fridge.
I also have a glass of milk.
Another hangover from days of dietary exile.
I like milk. Mostly because I cannot seem to enjoy drinking water. A lemon wedge does the trick- or lime- but those are not nearby currently.
If you drink room temperature water with a lemon in it everyday, and eat an apple, you’d never get sick, they say.
I talk about myself a lot.


I still want that coke.

Arc

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[22 Feb 2012|02:55pm]
I just got a rejection letter.

It's a start.

I think if my first 5 pages had been better, he might not have been so dismissive.

But still he looked, he passed on it, and he wrote me a rejection e-mail.

Personalized and everything.

Just adding to this day... should have read it tomorrow.

Arc
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Drop Drip, sounds like rain, just the snow melting [16 Feb 2012|03:12pm]
[ mood | down ]

Hello Y'all,

I am just in from my second walk of the day. It totally wiped bebe too, he is asleep upstairs, fingers crossed, (i just need a couple minutes).

Earlier today at about 9am I was staring at the clock, jeez, i need to get out of here. So the options really are:

1) take a bus to pinecrest, go to ikea, chapters, or michaels, and walk home. The downside is that the time has to be perfect and I have to bring food for bebe just in case we are having a grand time, and money will be spent. Probably a lot of money as I will find things in all three stores that I'll need, lunch at ikea and a starbucks coffee- because I am worth it.

2) take a bus to Bayshore and bus back. If I had done this I would have had to bring food for bebe and buy my own lunch and would have spent money. I would have gone into zellers and said "yes please" to crafty stuff, bebe stuff and maybe even kitchen and non-perishable food stuff. The timing again would have to be perfect, and perfect twice. There and back, and everyone would be staring on the way back because I look 15 and have a baby.

3) take a walk, a long one and go somewhere close. I can't seem to do the walk thing without a destination, or a goal. I need a reason to leave the house. Or I have to travel in a circle.

We chose option 3, and we walked a good 20minutes to the local Shoppers and I brought $20 from my birthday money. (Weird to be 25 and still have birthday money). So I perused the aisles, and bought nothing from the bebe stuff- usually they have wicked sales. They did have some things on sale, but not bebe cereal or food, or diapers, et al. Just some newborn toys and dishes and things that I don't need. I did the housewares aisle and bought some ziploc bags, Great deal too, and I love offbrand things. Then the food. Pizza pockets, and dr. oatker pizza, they were on sale for $3.99. I can never rationalize ordering pizza again when it is always, like ALWAYS on sale at Shoppers. I bought some delicio's pizza there last week- spicy cajun chicken, this week "good for you" vegetable and a mushroom (fungi, oh la la). And some baking supplies for my newly grown arsenal. Very exciting. I even came home and made cookies.

I also bought, activia, cheaper than at the Loblaws, and condensed milk was on sale, so I thought I'd store it for later use. And Arrowroot cookies. As bebe can now eat them with tons of supervision. But I like them too and they are Kosher. I definitely held it up to another product and that was the tie breaker... interesting....

We walked home, so hot today that in the sun I took of my hat, mitts and coat, then had to put them back on when the wind changed. BUT STILL. crazy.

Made vegan chocolate, oatmeal cookies. Corn syrup and apple sauce instead of milk and eggs. Very tasty. I used to make them to bring to presentations at Uni, since who knows who doesn't eat what. And I had pizza pockets, 4 cheese for lunch. Because we have a microwave. I love the freedom. Coffee and cheesey dough- delicious. (I am too happy to please, apparently).

Been feeling sort of down these past few weeks. Mostly from the idea of back to work, daycare and my course. I had to make a Strategic Marketing Plan- I did do it, but I toyed so hard about dropping the course- which apparently at College is called WITHDRAWING- aka giving up.

But in the end a paper on "Petit Kiln" was handed in. Now I only have to catch up with Lessons 5 and 6, and be more engaged and maybe I will actually pass successfully. I booked my exam- and it happens to land on the same weekend as the outplay/outgrow kids fair- boo, but it is at 9am, and the last exam took me like 55 minutes. This one might take a little longer, but hopefully I'll be out of there by 11.

Last time I was done so quick that we bought croissants and treats and headed over to K&JAz's and had indian food and tacos and watched xmas movies all day. Like 12 hours. Amazing. It was an amazing day spent with pseudo-family before we left for NL.

I might as well as include this here:

Valentine's Day!

It's not that we celebrate it with gifts and chocolates and love coupons. Just the basic, "I know you love me and I love you, and I want you to know that I appreciate everything that you do- aka that Babe works 13 hour days almost 5 days a week and works hard on his guitar craft and moulds the minds of wee folk- and- that I cook and clean and am cinderella and am the primary care giver for our bebe and a cheerleader when I remember to iron my skirt).

I had bought him Mr. Woodcock- a devilishly designed movie about how everyone needs a disciplined challenge to show their pride and boundaries- the week before as a just cuz gift and ordered wings and fries. Yum- the chickens were very much appreciated by us and the fries were a good carb add on to actually feel full. No pizza this time, because- it was $3.99 at Shoppers and pretty damn tasty, and we'd had it for lunch that day.

I had also made an almond loaf, spur the moment bread thing with honey and yum! It was so dense and my gift to my man, who loves treats and almonds.

Bebe slept the whole night too.

It was a good valentine's day.

My sis told me that apparently couples spend the most money on valentine's day #2, since the #1 is like "no big deal" and then the second has all these milestones and obligations attached to it. I honestly don't remember. It has to do with my birthday being at the end of January and the fact that we do go out to eat a lot and movies, or at least used to.

I am excited for a sushi and hair cut date, that is supposed to happen before I head back to work. Kanata sushi and jask spa.... even bebe might join us. Should be a good time. We keep joking about buzz cuts. I am not sure if its a bad idea anymore. ^.^

I think that is all the new relatable news. Besides the microwave... no writing has been had seen project mode began, and I finished the 2nd K. Armstrong book. Tried to buy the last one but still only available in hardback. bebe's G-dmum is coming over today around 4. I sort of got the house ready. But these skills are often lacking on my end.

OH!

Survivor started on Wed. I get to see the epi tomorrow night. The key thing here is that both tribes are sharing the same beach so the contestants can decide who to psychologically side with before the merge. SOunds like high school. Excited. and I bought 2 scratch cards today.
SCRABBLE and MAH JONG. fun but am still $80,000-less. It was relaxing and perked me up a bit.

Packed weekend ahead- (Ssne= Clicky) Clicky's birthday this sat, we need to still buy a pressie- or at least a second half, and then a basement clear out event at the 'rents! Should be luggage filled.

Thanks for stopping by, bring tea to go with my vegan treats next time.

*huggaloos*

Arc

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[11 Feb 2012|10:07pm]
Weird rough day.

I feel like I could have been a better:

Wife,
Mother,
and
Friend.

I need to learn patience.
I need to learn flexibility.

I need to not put so much thinking into "later" and enjoy the now.

I need to breath deeper.

Babe is away for a show in MNTRL making today crunched for time. Crunched for patience and understanding and flexibility.

And bebe was so wired. I know he is wonderful and beautiful- but can we all be entitled to loose it once and a while?

Finally bebe fell asleep while hearing me read aloud the Jungle Book- actual story, it is surprisingly full of bargaining and sacrifice.

Could learn a thing or two from it.

Again, I am cold and selfish and hatefilled.
Too mean. Too into "me"...

There is too much ketchup on my mac'n'cheese.

And I am thinking about dropping this semester's course. I am too stressed about this going back to work thing, family thing, book thing, (thats a not worth using excuse)... mostly it is the going back to work. And I got a not too decent grade on the first assignment, another due this week- I haven't even bothered looking into.

I don't want to do it. I have 3 years to do 6 courses. I can take it again. I feel so hollow and stupid about this decision... I don't want to do it- YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

bad decision making process?

I never learn.

Arc
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Editing- [07 Feb 2012|10:37pm]
Maybe it is dumb to post this here. But I came across this in my book:

page 52 of 197
Thicker than Blood.



Morgan loved her windows. Their ruffled curtains and enormous window panes were as eyes to the world while they looked out over the wide expansive gardens on Sir Thomas’ palatial grounds. Gardens planted by his first wife in beautiful intricate patterns, with specific plants in perfect positions to bloom in order of the seasons and create warms rainbows of colour. It was a marvel to witness. There was no way to compete with a woman like that, how wonderful it was that she was dead.
Morgan’s apartment was the smallest set of rooms. Smaller than both of Thomas’ daughters by his first wife, but Morgan loved her windows and the adjacent children’s playroom. Her children were not permitted to sleep in her quarters, so without many knowing it, she often would sleep in theirs. Thomas would objected to even this small gesture. Her own childhood, filled with memories of her mother, a Registered Daughter, where she had a small room off the main bed chamber, were glorious and full of warmth and love. It confused Morgan how fashions could change so drastically over a short ten years. Fashions may come and go, but Morgan knew where she had wanted to be in the middle of the night. Knew that she wanted to nurse her children herself and be there if they woke of a scary dream, or were unsettled due to painful teething. Mostly, she was hurt and felt used because she had no close bond to her other siblings, like that which existed between Lara and Urika, because she was the Registered, not some common spare. And the privileges of such an office were repeated to her frequently to inspire compliance and gratitude, only to have them taken them away or ignored as her right was hurtful. She was always been told that as a Registered she had the right to keep her children with her, among her, as her prized possessions.
For the time being, Morgan was awaiting Lord Thomas’ eldest daughter; Lara. Morgan knew, more than most, that young women could develop habits, that unless rectified, could fester and mould into bad, even dangerous, habits. Such habits were not to be tolerated. And Lara was very much aware of this. Lara was not developing any habits or misstepping in any direction publicly. Privately, Lara was becoming sloppy. Sometimes, private informalities became news for public gossip.
Morgan had been happy to have Larkin, the grounds Tertiary and Lara’s personal guard on hand, to have access to him, ask him who and when, and sometimes how many. It wasn’t hard to gain that sort of information. It wasn’t hard to grease his palms when they needed to be greased or to threaten when threatening was the only way to ensure safety. Larkin was different in some ways, conventional in most. He often doubted Lara’s interests, and knew they were fleeting, often slipped her in his comments with the morning round. He had passed along messages from Morgan, urging Lara to calm her passions, asked her to rein in her erratic stints. He had often been the one to write anonymous reports to the Primary on duty about certain Posteds and their philandering, their misguided authority over the young Lady of the house; the Registered daughter.
A hesitant knock came to her bureau door.
“You may enter,” Morgan turned from her windows, her sweet admittance still on her lops. Lara floated into the room, devouring all the light it possessed.
“Good afternoon Morgan,” she began, “you summoned me.” She gave the customary bow to her stepmother and her rank as the wife of her father, Sir of the Estate.
“Yes, indeed,” Morgan gave a flowery wave to the cushioned wooden chair before her desk and poured rose smelling liquid from a white pot into two dainty vessels. “Have a seat Lara,” she ordered kindly.
Lara cleared her throat and sat. Her high necked dress was itchy and her hand lay rigidly in her lap. She waited until Morgan took a sip to partake of the shared beverage.
“A young officer with the military has asked your father for a match,” Morgan paused
allowing the news to wash over the room. Lara held her breath. “He has come from the far East. He is the Lord of his own Estate, well travelled. He has served widely and often. He even attended the university,” Morgan tried not to extend her fingers and count off his many attributes.
Lara closed her eyes and awaited the conditional element to the story her stepmother wove. “He has even specifically asked for the Registered, which we know most military men don’t insist upon and shows a class of breeding I quite like.” Morgan’s voice stiffened. “Turns out he had an aunt who herself was a Registered, but her title fell with the Borders.” Morgan paused, “he has rebuilt their empire as a self-made man.”
Lara’s silence filled the room.
“But, once notified of who between yourself and Urika was the named Registered, he was, how do I put this delicately?” Morgan paused and Lara opened her eyes her lungs bursting. “Disgusted. He was utterly disgusted.”
Lara sharply took a mouthful of air, her face on the brink of quivering tears.
“Seems he’s heard enough rumours to think he knows enough. And frankly, I don’t blame him-”
“It isn’t about the sex.” Lara interrupted.
“How dare-” Morgan cut herself off from the verbal reprimand with the physically of her slicing hand in the air between them. “I am well aware of what your little episodes are about!” Morgan berated. “And it is dangerous for you to put yourself in those situations. If not for the unpredictable reactions of the men you ensnare but for such a backlash as this Lara!” Morgan huffed. “A smart match finds us and turns out he doesn’t want you.”
“I am still a virgin.” Lara mumbled, her mouth in her neck, her fingers entwined and motionless. A demure blush caressed her cheek.
A heavy moment passed between the two woman.
Morgan eyed, calculated her gaze. “Hmm,” she opened her mouth, “that may be, but as you said it isn’t all about the sex. This man knows the outcomes from all your antics and doesn’t want to dally with a woman whose partners tend to find themselves on the Estate whipping posts.”
Again, another pause was born and grew.
Morgan reached for her sweet brew, and let the honey velvet taste stick in her mouth and coat her tongue. Lara couldn’t stomach it, and faked a minute sip.
“How do we fix this?” Lara asked.
“Your reputation is well ruined. That, is I’m afraid, beyond what we can fix here today.” Morgan replaced her cup to the desk top. “But I have tried to secure this match to your Father’s house for his sake, as well as your mother’s. It is such a smart match.” Lara’s cheeks blanched and her mind filled with the plan that would come tumbling out of Morgan’s mouth. Her heart broke; simple and magnificent.
Lara shut her mouth and took up her new position, drowned in guilt as she listened intently, and nodded appropriately. Even vowed to curb her erratic behaviour and be more respectful to herself, her father’s Estate and to the Posted soldiers.
A knock came to a door, and Camille entered with a small male child on her hip. She let him down and he shuffled uneasily to Morgan’s side. A broad grin on his face.
Morgan jumped to her feet and scooped him up in her long-sleeved arms. She nuzzled him and kissed the side of his head.
“Now go and get your sister.” Morgan snapped.
Lara felt stuck to the chair and rose in all but in mind and somehow made it to Larkin who had waited in the hall. Her brain felt full and again, her heart shattered.
Morgan with child in her arms turned to the spectacular view of the gardens, pointed out the plants in flowered blooms, named a few birds that flew by and sighed in momentary bliss. The room was stuffy and thick with the heat from the afternoon sunshine, but still, Morgan loved her windows.

Maybe I am nuts. But I think it is beautiful and poetic.

Arc
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[07 Feb 2012|02:28pm]
My body is humming. Thrumming and vibrating.
I did not really sleep after the G-dfather party. I got about 3 1/2hours then made a lovely hostess breakfast of toast and amazing coffee for the few overnight guests that I was actually thrilled to have. Ssen stayed until about 530pm the next day and we watched stuff and got the downstairs dirty dish free. Ver productive.

Babe had gone to visit some Family in TO and I skyped with K for about 3 hours. Chatting about work/school/travel and my book. It was great to concisely ask questions and mull over it with someone. Not that I don't do it often, but it was a great session of that.
My stomach then became unbearably twisted and knotted and pain filled.

When Babe got home we went to the hospital and left bebe with his mom here. Worked out great. Bebe is amazing in more ways than I knew apparently. He nursed at 1am so when we left at 2am he was ok until he woke at 7am and waited until 830am for us to get home, nothing wrong with me, some useless advise and starbucks in mind and hand.

Don't want to go back to work. But what else is new.
I think beer hurts my stomach but who know. And I mean ONE beer. not fifteen.

Procrastinating my course more this week. Not good. Probably will get on that today. Catch up and study and get my place in some good head space.

Write and Edit some more. And maybe read more of a K. Armstrong I shouldn't have started when there is so much on my mental plate at the moment.

Babe read to me in the emergency room. The character of Clayton Danvers is from Louisiana and Babe did the voices and everything. it was awesome and love filled. Especially since we had to wait until about 530 for the doctor and then the xray and the examination. Nothing wrong.

It is probably internalized stress.

I have yet to hear from GlimmerTrain about the short story contest. I need to get into the saddle on that one. Writing one shots with no point or purpose to them send them off in hopes of $$$ from these contest places. Need to find the time and prioritize this one.

Need to eat better and exercise too. But excuses inserted here will allow you to forgive me.

I've fed a lot of people this week. Having them over and making rice and tofu and veggies, and pasta and veggies, and rice with sauces, toast and cheese, filling their bellies and hearts, i hope, with goodwill and support.

I am here for y'all. I should get into low fat, g-free, dairy free baking. You'll all come over more frquently and leave with tins and tins and tins filled with stuff.

Who likes:

oatmeal?
chocolate?
coconut?
almondS?
cupcakes?
biscotti?
macaroons?
pretzels?
breads?
veggies disguised as breads?
and love?

Love you all,

Arc
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[05 Feb 2012|11:04pm]
Creak and Step.
Feet and stomp.
Eyes flutter closed and mind wanders far.
Clamp clamp. Pop and look.

The noises coming closer, glueing you unmoving.

Freedom please?
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writing and procrastination [05 Feb 2012|10:17pm]
Hi all!

I think I may have just proven that no matter how long it has been since you've been in an organizational educational space, you never loose your procrastination edge.

I am now at a university level procrastination for my course. My one little, teeny weeny course, is being ignored on a massive scale.

I am not even going near the computer.

I've mostly been reading and thinking.

Lots of thinking, and stressing, and planning.

I am now eating chocolate and drinking milk after inhaling a box of creamy mac and cheese and adding shredded cheese from our G-dfather party. I definitely did not sleep properly yet and I hope to get a few more pages into my writing before hitting the hay!

I want to read too but I think that will throw off my writing jaunt.

Feel like I sat on my bum a lot today and played with bebe.

Babe went to TO for the Day but I got to spend it with Ssen.

Alone. the house is talking. I do NOT like it. I am too much alone in it, my ears ringing with the vibrations of sounds unsounded. Of people not visiting, the shadows shift and I see nothing. The edges of my eyes are full yet straight ahead I am blind. Curled and Stretched I am pulled and aching. Leave me alone, I yell, internally, my brain shatters and I pulse. Pulse, Pulse. Creak the stairs moan and quake, plink and pound. Nothing. No toes or ankles, socks or feet. Nothing. No wind, or gale or whispers of life. Alone, yet something is moving.
Push, I prance and crumble, and sink and bite. Let me free. Let me Free. Release my arm, your curled fingers on my wrist. LEt me BE. I wonder I see, I see all. Eyes blinking and vacant. I wish to be blind the fires burn. The flames lick and taste. the room is full of smoke and still I see. I scream and the fire is gone. Shadow in place. Mock, mock mock, the ceiling shifts and I remain. Pulse Pulse Pulse. My ears open and sting, nothing. Wait.

Arc
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[26 Jan 2012|10:50pm]
He ordered pizza.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

He ordered pizza without asking me, telling me, or asking about dinner.

Just came in the door and ordered it.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Arc
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[26 Jan 2012|08:25pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Waiting for my hubs to get home from work (he had band from 12-2 then worked 4-9 and no car = left at 11 be home around 9:45) (a car is on "our list" hoping to have one soon! *fingers crossed*) and I totally just ate a whole 3 pack of lindors. this is bad because I don't really like them, the creamy weird chocolate is gross and waxy, and I love toblerone so much more and I still have one from chanukkah I could eat. I really want to make coffee but know that is a stupid idea at 8pm on a thursday.

I feel weird. It is probably because bebe is totally sick and I am all amped up for this weekend - a few parties, some friends. And maybe ...

I am also all anxious over this house. I know their are (not sure what to call them.. entities?) in the upstairs hall and all around bebe, and even in the basement. Mostly they are just hovering and hiding behind walls and in doorways waiting until I pass as to not bother me. I know they are there. I know that one is probably my grandmother, and one is probably babe's grandfather... but there are a few more. When we went to the psychics in Salem at thanksgiving I was told something that I already knew but got a smack load of confirmation about how "I am not crazy". I had a definite moment earlier this evening about being ready to "See" or "hear". Not ready.

If you've ever watch "long island medium" than it is kind of like that.

I should be writing, or at least reading. I am reading a fictitious bio-epic about Josephine Bonaparte: it is very good. Full of colonialism, revolution, sex and violence and motherhood. Very nice. On page 200 and only just met Napoleon. Neither he or Josephine were "French"... both from colonies. Pretty f*ing fantastic if you ask me. He is from Corsica and she is from Martinique. And she had a maid/lady's maid/wet nurse that was her half sister.. aka a martinique freed slave who shared her father genes with. Too cool. In terms of history and how the real world works. Not a secret either. So not as dramatic as Sally Hemmings by any means.

Birthday soon. I am missing some central people these days.

Went for an hour walk yesterday in the sunlight. it was amazing. If you'd offered me the chance to walk to the cottage and camp out in a physical endurance challenge and eat sticks and rabbits for a week: I would have done it. I felt so good. I even chose a route that sucked... and had to carry the stroller over the ice with a sleeping bebe in it, while boys... 17-21ysold hooted and hollered at me, it looked like a travois. it was heavy and hard and fantastic. I think I am all cooped up.

I want to order pizza. Not only because it is easier than cooking but because it will be cheesy and delicious and come with wings. MEAT. So first world problems. I wish we had meat. As oppose to being grateful for the cupboards full of proteins. hmmmm...

I am going to suggest watching "planets of the apes: rising" tomorrow night for shabbat. I know you can rent on appleTV. I sorta want to see it just for Tom Felton. I know.. supper creepy and stalkery. But hey.. it is what it is.

I wore my ravenclaw scarf yesterday. I used my other one over the weekend as a changing pad substitute on the floor of a fast food restaurant. All sorts of places don't have baby changing stations when you think they would. I felt so dirty. Not a Ravenclaw....

Is it weird that I let something that isn't real contribute so much noise to my life?

I want to eat... nom. But I will wait until 10pm to eat dinner with my lovely devoted working husband.

Arc

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[24 Jan 2012|11:08pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Had a pretty good day today. Morning and early aft at Sister's and then afternoon, evening and early night at the in-laws. It was great until the conversation about the dissolution of the world and the elimination of the middle class and the rampant civil unrest that will be pounding on our doors shortly. In short, I think I said something in the car ride home that I maybe didn't mean or simply needed to hear the answer to. I want to know that I will be protected. I want to know that I don't have to wield that machete all by myself and scrounge for food and shelter and safety all alone. And I think I know I won't.

This is highly personal.

This is icky and ethical and scary. I know the end is coming. I think deep in my bones I KNOW that this is how it is NOW, and soon, the marching begins and soon we will all be scratching out lives in a very different way. I feel the balanced scale of society, of life, of the way it is... is tipping, is slipping, is falling into the muck and will be wrong quite soon.

Maybe every generation feels this way. IS that true?

I feel this way; and that is truth.

I also brought up living with another couple we know. I just thought it made sound economical sense. I think it makes life a little less sad. Like when I mentioned that when we are old and grey and empty nesters we could live with Myth and K. It was a similar passing conversation piece. We all could save money, we could all live near one another, share the expenses, and really the experiences. I think it would make me feel less confused about what I am doing here because my life would be wound in the webs of two more people. I would matter that much more, as would the other 3 people. We would become a bigger, stronger, safer urban family. Is this weird?

I know I've said it before, that I would never want to live with another couple... and maybe I still feel that way. But I think the monotony of single townhouse, homestead-y life would be broken. I think I would feel a little more stimulated, a little more engaged. I think the smells, sights and sounds of the other two people would become normal quickly. I think we could all click in a certain way. I think it might be neat. I think we could save money.


I used to have a reoccurring dream as a child that war would ravage the land we call home and my family home, not the one I lived in before moving in together, the one before that, had to accommodate a lot more people. I mentally placed where the people would sleep in my mind. Where was there enough room for a sleeping bag and a place to hide, need be. What the bottom of that closet actually big enough to convert into a sleeping quarters, was my single bed really big enough for 3 other kids. This might be weird, but I was a very survivalist y oriented kid for whatever reason. I think this is a good skill. It shows foresight, ambition, ingenuity, and reality based thinking: SLYTHERIN... to the core.

I think I could live on a lot less. I think I have too much and don't give back enough. I think I am selfish and ungrateful and mean. I think I am capable of so much evil and deceit that I have been granted good things in spite of my real personality.

I think I am cutthroat.
I think I am heartless.
I think I could really hurt you.
I know it.

I feel it.
I can own it.

I think if we melt away into a world without rules you'll want to have me on your side.
You won't want to make an enemy of me.

I think I am born in the wrong time and maybe even to the wrong gender.

(Segway this to past lives)

I think I've been a man.
I think I made heavy, scary, repercussion filled decisions.. and I think I was damned good at it.
I think I've killed many other people.
I am not sure what to do with this.

(back to peeling too many layers back)

I think I am calculating. Like those pair hunting raptors in Jurassic Park.

Am I scary?
Am I full of dark harmful menacing stuff?
Are you afraid of me?

Could you be?

Should you be?

Am I hardened?
Am I really alone?
Are we all really alone?

Arc.

I'll still be here when the clock strikes 12 and the pumpkin ricochets down the cobblestone path. And I really think it's 11:55.

You might want to get that dance in sooner rather than later.

I turn 25 in 6 days.

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[23 Jan 2012|12:30pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

I definitely just read through the whole posting collection of J's new livejournal. I like for many of the same reasons. Just for thinking aloud, thinking to myself, feeling like a have a real voice in my life and a sense of control.

It is 12:15, bebe is asleep. I just ate 4 oreos, well, eat the middle firsts, and these chocolate covered show mein noodle things that My friend JLe made for me over the holidays. I love them. Her mom babysat me when I was little and she is working on her master of mad science right now. Makes me feel like I could have been a doctor or a lawyer or whatever, but she can do it all in my stead. Proud of her.

Am watching the director's commentary of Julie and Julia. I love the movie, I love food and Nora Ephron is pretty kick ass. I love her take on Starbucks from I've got mail. Her director comments are so very spot on. I think I would like to take a class from her.

Frustrated about work, and about my lack of motivation to get the book done. I am frustrated but how guilty I'll feel if it really gets done and published. I think it is hard to share my take on it because I know they're people close to me who really want it. I WANT it, but I am also "no, go ahead" type of person... (I can't be more excited... so why bother). I will get there. My true fear is that I am getting so much older than my main character that maybe she isn't believable anymore.

I am thinking about yogurt. I should be doing course work. But really I find it easier to get it done at night.

babe's parents are away today and he is working a 12h day. I wish I had thought of going to K town with him this morning earlier than after he left. I would have liked to be around cats and cable for a good day this week. Just to loaf in front of the Kurig and the snow and a different part of town. Babe could have come home for lunch and then a nice ride home after... geez, I like my house I do, but it is SSDD sometimes.

This weekend was intense. I was so tired last night. On Sat. Babe and I did some shopping we went to VV and CD Warehouse, and then Metro, had fabulous friends over: who each time we mention them my parents don't connect the dots. I think another introduction is in order. and had nice pasta and pretty good garlic bread. And Timbits for desserts. It was another truth about 4 adults, maybe even the balance of 2 couples, that any food you put down in the middle of gets eaten. YUM!!! Like in NL, anything we made we just chomped it up and devoured it. Delicious.

Oh, we rearranged the downstairs again. And I think it is more open and I have a semi-desk thing happening for the first time. I like it.

Bebe can now reach all the DVDs so we moved them and I have been vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms pretty diligently. Myth had a great facebook post about living with a man, staying sexy and actually cleaning... how does all the hausfrau stuff get done. Dunno, but I am doing it.

Thinking a lot about our cake in the freezer... yes our Wedding cake. It needs to be eaten. I think soon. But cannot for the life of me pick a time to do it. Is my birthday too weird. Is a G-dfather party strangely out of place. Is the 28th at midnight in purple pyjamas unheard of? Not sure. I know it will be gross.... and I know it needs to go, but it needs a plan.

I also have no skills. I've been really stressed about daycare and about my job and about how I know I am a selfish first world person and debt this and bank accounts that, but holy, it does mess with my psyche. Also been having a lot of dreams about one friend. I keep e-mailing them to her in hopes that they'd be useful. but I hope nothing bad will happen.

And I had a dream with code words and a secret cafe and spies. It was a great movie. But the extras in the background kept being people I knew and I was the main actress. I've been acting a lot lately. as in being really into my sarcasm and such.

Should I look into doing that professionally?

It is a skill... or is it?

Arc.

motivation please.. my fellow first worlders.

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[03 Jan 2012|12:19pm]
and off we go, back from where we came.

goodbye Rock!

ARC
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[01 Jan 2012|12:32am]
Happy New Year!
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29, 30, new years eve- the beginning [31 Dec 2011|01:00pm]
29:

No good, don't remember what we did! Oh No, I know we went to the mall and I know we wrote a lot that day!

I think Myth worked in the morning and Babe picked her up and brought starbucks back. and donuts! delicious. We've been eating a lot of donuts- heck it's Channukah, but probably we don't need to eat this many donuts. We also went and bought some groceries:

I paced around the aisle stalking the discount candy- the xmas stuff, little chocolate balls and mint stuff, and I bought grocery donuts (I wasn't joking) for 1.25$ delicious. I also bought an impulsive item of a digital ear thermometre- 34.99$ but heck we needed one! and we are crawling and onto diaper size 4. I think that is crazy. bebe is all over, eating cords and looking too cute for words.

And we can't take him anywhere- everywhere we go "OMG he is so cute" and yesterday: "he should do commercials" and we know all this and talk about it, how he could pay for university before he's 5 and all, but maybe he should not have that model lifestyle thrust upon him. I don't know.

Advise?

After the starbucks- I got crabby and mean: I had been alone watching tv for a few hours and wanted to get out and do SOMETHING- I'm not a great relaxed vacationer apparently. So I went for a solo walk and thought about all the writing and built up emotions. Came home and went for a drive with Babe and we bought some groceries- that's where the impulse and candy comes in. I made dinner- turkey curry and rice with naan bread. It had a lot of cabbage in it. Delicious!

We also had peppermint kahlua hot chocolate. I am proud to say that all the baileys and kahlua are not yet depleted. But We are definitely working on it.

Then we went to the mall- K was done at 1045, and shopped.

I everything I bought was on sale. And I was complimented by all the staff about my thriftiness. And we definitely sound like we aren't from 'round here. No one is rude or anything about it, but we sound ONtarian-y. I bought a lot of pants and some tank tops at Reitman's and then a sweater, tshirt and jacket at Ricki's. It was great. I had to come to terms with my size... (again) and try on my used-to-be size. The woman at reitman's commented "someone's been hitting the gym" so I guess I look like someone who had a baby and was trying desperately to be thin again. Really I want to be the number I was before on that gosh darned scale, but I just want the size 10 pants to fit. PLease fit. Come on! nope, huff. Ok. I'll only buy a few 12's then. and the jogging pants. Medium fits. OH:

I did buy a super fashionable size 8 dress. It's really short for my tastes but it fits and is gold and black and with all y'all getting engaged it's good to own a dress like that.

Then babe wanted to get some pants. So I had to look at him being all modelly- heck! He's gorgeous. (side story: my boss at work saw me with babe on a lunch break once and asked me afterwards who that model guy was and I said it was my husband and she got all blushy and that at the xmas party she'd have to just stare at him uncontrollably.) and so, he tried on a few pairs and picked one. MEn's jeans are pricey, and well I love a deal. and red stickers and to know how much I saved. thats why kohl's in the states is awesome.

You spent
$100.89

you saved
$459.17

=
Awesome!

30th:

We wanted to go to the fluvarium. Heck yes I did. Mind you the airmatress crapped out and we slept on the couch and Myth made pancakes and coffee. I always thought those Folger's commercials were BS but I literally was roused by the scent of percolating coffee wafting from the kitchen and flying up my nose. I think we've been having a lot of java while here too.

And so we had breakfast, showers, dropped Myth at work and proceeded to get lost and find a closed Fluvarium and get lost and fight over parking in downtown St. John's!

We finally parked where we parked earlier: on George street, where nothing opens until 4pm, and go tot the Rocket for lunch: yummers.

Florentine quiche, potato salad and a black bean empinada to share with a dessert course of coffee and espresso and almond croissant and cinnamon bun to share. I also bought there yummy challah bread. It didn't stiffen when we left it in the cold car for hours.

We then window shopped and hopped in and out of all the neat little shops of St. John's. I still need to get Heath an xmas present- oops and found nothing cheesy or stupid or mildly interesting. Then we had to get to the Avalon mall to meet Myth and K who both worked until 5. They wanted to use an EB games gift card on some fun, so we mall walked and bought some cheap books. and winked inappropriately at each other and giggled for about 15 minutes. Drove back to the house and K made tuna noodle casserole.

with the Challah and with some cooked veggies. All that cabbage.

And we chatted, very politically about the military and the academics and about how my dad kills deer. (YUM!) and then watched 4 weddings and say yes to the dress, while awkwardly tiptoeing around talking about weddings. Some people think they are classy but really it's just cheap.

Today:

We need to buy booze- aka champagne knockoffs and make cupcakes. We are thinking about some sort of chicken but besides that we watched a marathon on the rosie show and videogames up until now. Cleaned the kitchen at least. A walk is imminent - and I'd love to write.

Also, I am greedy and hope I win those contests I entered.

One is call Human Essence- it is a dark and disturbing poem with the picture that I posted, and the other is called Watch.: a short story about bad news and a crowded office.

I wrote them both here and a inspire here.


OH: Babe and I also hiked in the Quidi Vidi Battery park yesterday. I took a bunch of photos and it was breath taking. It was life affirming in a way. So water meets rock- ala Newfoundland.

Arc

I think there is more. But I will reflect on it soon.

Also: there is a cab company here that looks like police cars. Lots of things are called Terra Nova (:D ) and Coffee!!!

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